“To watch. To wait. To wonder at the world in chaos,” the girl
said. “And hope one day you fools might
learn.” - David Hewson
Equestrians must be some of the worst endorphin junkies out
there. Our highs are found soaring on
the wings of our horses and our lows as we are trampled by their frailty. Yet we plow ahead, over and over and over
again.
With the darker days of winter, it seems spirits have been
darkening as well. I watched a friend’s
mother loose her barn and indoor arena to fire.
I watched another friend battle an unknown foe that eventually claimed
her dear horse. I have been watching the
citizens of this state and country wage war against one another with emotion
ruling over logic and all I can do is watch.
We took Nutmeg to the teaching hospital at the University of
Missouri to see if we could find the source of her breathing trouble. A physical exam stated, “She is the picture
of health.” An upper respiratory exam
found the same, but the lower respiratory exam found the cause and all I could
do was watch.
She basically has work induced asthma. She is happy and healthy at rest, but the
increased air flow during exercise allows tiny particles in the air to irritate
her trachea. We could throw thousands
and thousands of dollars at those tiny particles and possibly keep working for
a while, but not showing. The drugs to
manage the symptoms aren’t legal in eventing.
We would be sidelined at best, just watching.
 |
| Trachea. White River shouldn't be there. |
Nutmeg is an athlete. She hates watching. She wants to do, to run, to jump, to compete,
to problem solve. I’m the same way. Sitting on the sidelines is not where we
belong. Understanding this, I have had
several wonderful people offer me horses.
They know I don’t sit still well.
While I am incredibly honored, I am also torn. A part of me feels as though I am betraying
Nutmeg. She is still so vibrant. She moves the best she ever has in the
pasture. As I look at her grazing amidst
the cross country jumps, I can’t fathom not riding her anymore. Logically, I know I have made a sound
decision, but my emotions aren’t handling it well. Watching sucks.
They say, “In the heat of battle, time stands still.” I need to get back into the battle, because
watching it, seeing time flying by, it really stinks. When you are in there fighting, at least you
can feel the ebb and flow. You taste the
temporary victories and push through the inevitable set-backs. There is a feeling that you will prevail as
long as you keep going. But sometimes
you just can’t. And sometimes, you just
don’t win no matter how hard or how long you stay in the battle.
When is it okay to admit you have been beaten? Is it ever okay to throw in the towel? Why, as humans, are we so driven to overcome
and to conquer all our adversities? Why
can’t I let go?
I looked at some very nice horses over Thanksgiving. I know of several others that would be a
great deal of fun. I have a hugely
talented pony at home already who is begging to be worked. Admiral is being his usually charming self
and keeps reminding me that has talent too; he just prefers not to use it if he
can avoid it. I am not lacking in other
paths to take, but I’m afraid it’s going to take a road paved in gold to
convince my feet to change direction.
Right now, I’m just watching. My brain says, “Let’s get going.” My heart says, “Wait.” It’s a Fresh Perspective and it is painful.
“Be the player in your own dream life. Don’t be a spectator watching your dreams
every day; Let them get going!” -
Israelmore Ayivor
