Watching

“To watch.  To wait.  To wonder at the world in chaos,” the girl said.  “And hope one day you fools might learn.”  - David Hewson

Equestrians must be some of the worst endorphin junkies out there.  Our highs are found soaring on the wings of our horses and our lows as we are trampled by their frailty.  Yet we plow ahead, over and over and over again.

With the darker days of winter, it seems spirits have been darkening as well.  I watched a friend’s mother loose her barn and indoor arena to fire.  I watched another friend battle an unknown foe that eventually claimed her dear horse.  I have been watching the citizens of this state and country wage war against one another with emotion ruling over logic and all I can do is watch.

We took Nutmeg to the teaching hospital at the University of Missouri to see if we could find the source of her breathing trouble.  A physical exam stated, “She is the picture of health.”  An upper respiratory exam found the same, but the lower respiratory exam found the cause and all I could do was watch.

She basically has work induced asthma.  She is happy and healthy at rest, but the increased air flow during exercise allows tiny particles in the air to irritate her trachea.  We could throw thousands and thousands of dollars at those tiny particles and possibly keep working for a while, but not showing.  The drugs to manage the symptoms aren’t legal in eventing.  We would be sidelined at best, just watching.

Trachea.  White River shouldn't be there.

Nutmeg is an athlete.  She hates watching.  She wants to do, to run, to jump, to compete, to problem solve.  I’m the same way.  Sitting on the sidelines is not where we belong.  Understanding this, I have had several wonderful people offer me horses.  They know I don’t sit still well.  While I am incredibly honored, I am also torn.  A part of me feels as though I am betraying Nutmeg.  She is still so vibrant.  She moves the best she ever has in the pasture.  As I look at her grazing amidst the cross country jumps, I can’t fathom not riding her anymore.  Logically, I know I have made a sound decision, but my emotions aren’t handling it well.  Watching sucks.  

They say, “In the heat of battle, time stands still.”  I need to get back into the battle, because watching it, seeing time flying by, it really stinks.  When you are in there fighting, at least you can feel the ebb and flow.  You taste the temporary victories and push through the inevitable set-backs.  There is a feeling that you will prevail as long as you keep going.  But sometimes you just can’t.  And sometimes, you just don’t win no matter how hard or how long you stay in the battle.  

When is it okay to admit you have been beaten?  Is it ever okay to throw in the towel?  Why, as humans, are we so driven to overcome and to conquer all our adversities?  Why can’t I let go?

I looked at some very nice horses over Thanksgiving.  I know of several others that would be a great deal of fun.  I have a hugely talented pony at home already who is begging to be worked.  Admiral is being his usually charming self and keeps reminding me that has talent too; he just prefers not to use it if he can avoid it.  I am not lacking in other paths to take, but I’m afraid it’s going to take a road paved in gold to convince my feet to change direction.  Right now, I’m just watching.   My brain says, “Let’s get going.”  My heart says, “Wait.”  It’s a Fresh Perspective and it is painful.

“Be the player in your own dream life.  Don’t be a spectator watching your dreams every day; Let them get going!”  - Israelmore Ayivor